Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic & the Domestic

This is a really, really great book on navigating relationships and is great for both couples and singles. Based on the title you may think it is all about sex. However, to me, it is all about maintaining "who you are" and a healthy amount of independence or distance within the relationship so that the spark and passion stays strong between you. A spark doesn't happen without a bit of distance that it can arc across. This is true for passion and interest in relationships too.The book is written by a European who has been living in the U.S. and working as a therapist here for years. Through her background she has identified key issues in the way we handle relationships in the U.S. that are actually killing the passion. It does also discuss the differences between one partner and another in relation to passion, sexual interest, and general interest and gives suggestions on how to find a workable plan if those differences aren't changeable.The author discusses how our U.S. culture encourages complete enmeshment with our partners - so there are no secrets, no boundaries, nothing personal or private away from your partner. The problem with this is that you need to keep your individuality intact in order for a relationship to keep it's spark. It is our differences, the mystery of the "other" that creates passion. Without this you'll be hard pressed to have passion in your relationship. If you do everything with your partner, what new do you have to discuss and share? If you are in the bathroom while your partner does their most unpleasant business, how do you then turn around and see them in a passionate way? (my example, not the author's) This enmeshment is not common abroad. It is better understood overseas that you need to maintain independence and a level of mystery in order to keep passion burning. Significantly more marriages fail in the U.S. than abroad and perhaps this is why.By keeping your independence and NOT being an open book who does nothing without your partner you maintain the mystery and interest needed for passion. A passionate marriage is a happy and fulfilling marriage. Don't give up your favorite things or your activities with friends. Make time to go out with your best friends without your partner. Did you have a favorite activity pre-partnership that you never do anymore? Go do it - alone or with friends. Don't make every activity be with your partner - it's just too much. Then, when you come together you have different things to share, unique experiences and that difference, the mystery is intact. The author explains this whole concept so much better than I do - you really must read this book. I'd say it is my favorite book on relationships - and I read tons of books on that kind of thing(I'm in a doctorate of psychology program).There are, of course, individual differences in passion levels, sexual interest levels, and personal activity levels as well. These differences, and how to find a workable plan to satisfy those differences, are also discussed in the book. Essentially it tells you how to optimize the passion and interest, and then work from there to find a place that meets both partner's intimacy level needs.Summary: The U.S. has a different perspective on how relationships ought to be compared to abroad. The U.S. also has a significantly higher rate of divorce and relationship unhappiness. The premise of this book is that we become too enmeshed with our partner and lose our individuality. This kills passion, which needs difference and mystery to exist. This is understood abroad and relationships are handled differently there. The book demonstrates this theory through easy to read client examples and offers suggestions on how to return independence and passion to a relationship.

IMO - EVERYONE over age 18 Should consider reading THIS BOOK. It is fulled with Very valuable insights about Human relationships. FIVE STARS..! -70SomethingGuy

...which is kind of the point. Many reviewers seem to read about her clients and think that means they have to solve their problems exactly the same way. But this book is a collection and some chapters are relevant to you, and other aren't.A core idea in the book is there is a difference between the erotic and love. The negative reviews seem to miss this point. I found the idea that you need some separation to create erotic feelings for your partner to be useful. You need to see them as they are seen outside the relationship. Like you saw them when you first met them.Also insightful was the idea the more you love and care for your mate, the more scared you are to express erotic desire for fear you will lose them or hurt them. Love means you are more afraid to lose. The solution is a willingness to take risks and openly talk about what you want.Found this book really useful as a talking point between my wife of 34 years and I. It gives new things to explore - not techniques, but ideas.

I enjoyed this book and it definitely opened my eyes to a lot of different perdoectives. Definitely recommend if you're looking for insight.

Good book about relationships and how we operate in them. It gets dry, but the information is fantastic

Not only did this book really explore the different issues and conceptions that couples (of all kinds) have with eroticism, the anecdotes and stories were useful models to see how to integrate fantasy and intimacy into eroticism. This book made me feel like I'd found a way to confront and learn about my deepest darkest fears about relationship intimacy in a safe context (a book about couples therapy).

I haven't even finished this book yet and I love it. I think I've only made it through the first two chapters, and I was so captivated with all the information and wondering if I'd remember everything I'd absorbed, that I started the book over from the beginning! Diligently underlining important points with a pencil. The way I use this book: I read just a few pages at a time, then set it down and reflect on what I've read.Personally, I've always felt that I had an unconventional view on relationships- Often feeling stifled by a partner's "rules" about how we should act now that "we're a couple". But reading this book helps me to see that it is completely NATURAL not to want to lose your sense of self and/or cut off your independence, yet still feel the security that a committed relationship can offer. The book helps me articulate my own thoughts. And there are so many "oh crap" moments while reading this, when I realize that I illustrate some of the same destructive behaviors explained in the book in my own relationship (I'm a woman who's been in a relationship with another woman for 4 years, fyi).After I put the book down, I feel like I've just had my very own personal therapy session... and it feels great! After reading just a few pages, I often feel happier (having a greater understanding of why I act or feel certain ways within my relationship), and I feel more in love. Corny as it sounds... Because after reading just a little bit of the book (that's often all I can digest in one sitting), I've set aside all the stress and anxiety and suddenly am having all these ideas about how to strengthen my own relationship- sexually and otherwise. I feel calm and peaceful.I would love to meet the author in person, though I know I probably wouldn't be able to afford a real-life therapy session with her. So for me, this is the next best thing!!Toooootttttallllly recommend this book!!!

Gets to the heart of the matter in rather frank ways that some authors skirt around or dither about. There's an age old clichés about marital problems occurring because of a lack of communication, and the basis of the book seems to be just that; problems occur because couples just don't tell each other what's really going on in their minds. This can be for all sorts of reasons - fear of criticism, fear of looking weird or stupid, protecting someone else's feelings, presumption about what the other partner wants, or just plain lack of awareness.Perel shows that many of our hopes, fears, desires and fantasies are not that weird at all, in fact they're more common than we realise and are mostly part of a normal, healthy mindset. Its just that we've been conditioned down certain routes and traditions of whats acceptable and what isn't. So much so that we don't always feel comfortable disclosing our needs and desires to even the closest person to us.In some of her many talks that appear on youtube, Perel often hints at questioning whether monogamy is for everyone or whether its realistic at all. In the book, in one of the later chapters, she spells out her view more clearly... that monogamy is just as much a choice as any lifestyle choices, and although it's a model that fits many people, that it should not be regarded as the only way to be. She also points out the hypocrisy and changing definitions of monogamy (ie, one sexual partner for life). You could have two long term relationships, and consider yourself monogamous in both of them (!?), but as soon as you slept with the second partner, you were not monogamous!She gives lots of examples of couples who talked things over and thrashed things out under her guidance and with her insight, and in each case the couples eventually came good and made the adjustments needed for a more fulfilling sex life. My only criticism is that she never gives examples of when, having disclosed their innermost thoughts and secrets, the couple realise they are incompatible, not on the same wavelength and split up! Taking a risk and opening up to your partner can have wonderfully positive effects, but it could also be a deal-breaker, and Perel doesn't seem to fully acknowledge this. It could be argued, though, that the risk of not communicating, putting your head in the sand and trying to maintain the status quo has its own unhappy consequences.Nevertheless, it is an honest, helpful and thought-provoking read for any couple in a long term relationship who have started to wonder where has all the magic gone and why is sex becoming a bit boring and predictable.

This is a very feminine book in the way it deals with subject matter mostly through an emotional appeal through the authors own experience.I didn't find there to be much reasoning behind it. And in fact because it focuses purely on sex, it made me wonder what some of the advice she gave would have on the relationship (I think in one case she advises the couple to basically only meet for sex!).And to be honest, I was reading it from the position of the 'red pill' lens anyway having read the inspirational books from Rollo Tomassi and it seems that this book does conform very much to views he puts forward in his books (basically maintaining frame and dominance). Given the author doesn't really demonstrate any rationale or any overall guiding principles I'm not quite sure what this book has to offer besides a lascivious title!

Takes her ages to get into the meat, the first chapter or two is just summarising what we all know, love is hard. But eventually she gets into case reviews which are super interesting and although really specific still weirdly universally applicable. I haven’t completely read a book in years and I smashed through this, it’s got highlights, notes and all sorts all over it now. Definitely a read to any one who cares about themselves and anyone else

I love the way Esther Perel thinks and talks about sex and relationships - forthright but generous, open-minded, realistic and practical but also often poetic. This is a thought-provoking book rather than a practical one - there aren't bullet point lists, plans or outright 'rules', but it'll make you consider your own relationships and habits, which is perhaps more meaningful in the long term. I listen to her podcast, Where Should We Begin?, so some of the content was a little familiar to me, but I enjoyed reading throughout.

I heard the author on radio 4 woman's hour and liked the sound of her. The book considers sensuality, sexuality and self in relation to an other and has made me consider cultural norms in relation to being part of a couple in a committed relationship. Hugely interesting book.