The Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist: Recognizing the Traits and Finding Healing After Hidden Emotional and Psychological Abuse (The Narcissism Series)

I write this review nearly a year after I was discarded by a CN. Beautiful soul, if you are looking for answers and you’re finding yourself, as I was, endlessly searching articles and videos for something to help you make sense of things, look no further. I highly recommend finding a therapist or life coach first. After all, we need to understand things about ourselves that attracted a CN to us in the first place (most of these being admirable traits). But this book is the best supplemental resource to help you reflect on your situation and understand the actions you need to take on your journey towards healing. I consider myself far along in my healing process. However, like the author, I had to do an enormous amount of digging and researching before discovering the term “Covert Narcissist” and what that entails. For someone suffering through a discard and the relentless barrage of abuse , it was like being blindfolded on the front line of a war zone; you know you’re being attacked, but you don’t know the terrain nor do you know the type of ammo being used against you. Everything is foreign. All you know is the person attacking you appears to have hijacked the mind, body, heart, and soul of the person you thought loved and cared about you. Pain like none other. Debbie Mirza has given us a gift by compiling everything into this book. Like she says, you will get through this and you will emerge better, stronger, and wiser... I know for a fact this is true. I cannot even begin to express the abundance of blessings that came about once I found clarity. Even though I read this book already knowing how beautiful healing feels, I still gained so much. It helped me further refine my understanding of the dynamics between CNs and their targets, as well as knowing what I need to do for myself to prevent toxic people from entering my life again. My only wish is that this book was available to me when I was at rock bottom, feeling isolated and alone. Wishing you a blessed journey along your path to healing.

Bingo! At last, bingo! I get it. With Debbie Mirza’s book I have finally been able to put together the last pieces of the complex, tangled jigsaw puzzle I’ve been piecing together through several years of psychotherapy. Everything fell into place when I read her book. Finally, finally I was able to read about MY experiences, MY own truth about being in intimate relationships with covert passive-aggressive narcissists—a perfect term for them. I’d often suspected narcissism lay behind their behavior, but when I’d read about narcissists as defined in the DSM or other books, things didn’t quite fit. But in Mirza’s book, all the pieces fit. I am a softhearted empath always ready to rescue anyone (or any living being) with love and compassion. I’m open and easily make myself vulnerable in an attempt to reach true loving communication with my other. That strength was turned against me by intimate others who needed to put me down so they could be in control, get things their way, get their needs met, my needs of no matter and unmet. It was so confusing! My intimates were the joy of my heart, one of them the love of my life, but then without warning, they would shun me, withdraw affection, gaslight me into thinking I’d done something terrible. I had no idea what I’d done to cause them to behave this way. But the truth is, I did NOT “cause” them to be emotionally abusive toward me. It was all about them, their inner demons, their needs, especially their need to keep me under their thumb so they could get their way and feel powerful rather than weak and insecure, which is how they truly felt. There is nothing I ever did to deserve this emotionally abusive treatment. It was not about me. It was all about the squirellyness going on inside them. I finally got it. Not a single other person who knew my intimates would ever suspect any of them were capable of emotionally abusive behavior. To the rest of the world, they were accomplished, lovely people. Covert abuse is the exact right term. Their facades were flawless. I understand my complicity—that my empath’s need to rescue and help others with love and kindness filled a need I had when I sought to rescue and help the narcissists in my life, whom I did love—a love each was incapable of reciprocating because they truly don’t get what love is. I understand now how I got into these painfully confusing relationships. I understand how I was the perfect target for their self-serving power plays. I also see myself clearly. I know who I am, and I am not who they tried to make me think I was when their gaslighting found me wanting. I am a thoroughly good and kind human being capable of love and caring. I am enough, just as I am, worthy of love and respect--at all times, not just the manipulative sweet times. This book helped me put all the pieces together. I was almost there on my own after years of psychotherapy, but this book showed me how the last pieces fit together and glued them in place. Thank you, Debbie Mirza. Last comment: Psychotherapists need to read this book. Out of five therapists over the past twelve years, only my current one clued me into “It’s not about YOU; this is on the other.” She recognized their unacceptable behavior, saw me for who I am, and guided me toward insights I needed into my intimate others and into myself. With my other therapists, the focus was on me fixing me, me “getting in touch with my emotions,” me learning to be “assertive,” me changing my attitude by keeping "a gratitude journal," me accepting that “this is the way a lot of men are” and I needed to deal with it—when what needed fixing was me getting out of these relationships sooner than ASAP and finding the freedom to be who I am. Getting out of the crazy-making relationship is the only way forward. There is no changing a covert narcissist. Heaven only knows, I tried. And failed, in my first marriage and in my second. I'm 82 now, and I've never been happier in my whole life just being me, unencumbered by intimate others who professed to love me but then would emotionally devastate me without warning or cause. I hope this book helps younger women get out of crazy-making relationships sooner than I was able to. I couldn’t put the book down. I underlined, highlighted, wrote notes in the margins, circled paragraphs, dashed off huge exclamation points. This book is going to help a lot of women.

Worthwhile read. Details behavior w examples. Strengthens resolve when determining relationships viability. Very helpful if you think you’re dealing with narcissist that is more complex.

Well, as a guy it might seem strange to hear that I was married to a narcissistic person because most of the time, the narcissism is from a male victimizing a female. Thats just usually what I have learned happens. But, I am guessing that there are tons more covert narcissistic people out there that are female and its not usually recognized. So, this book was an eye opener. I knew for years she (ex) had passive aggressive problems but never understood the disdain, even hatred, towards me and blaming me and projecting onto me traits that no one else could see (except those she influenced, I.E. our kids). Eventually when I caught her in a bunch of lies about another man and the marriage imploded, then I knew that I needed help to figure out if it was me or her. In some sense its always both, but in this case the victimization was clear because I was not the one lying and having secret relationships and then saying there was nothing wrong with that. So, the book has helped me tons in recognizing that you can get through a divorce and then find someone that is healthy, and YOU can be healthy as well. I recommend this book, and CoDependency No More amongst others, but also say GET THERAPY AND COUNSELING from a real therapist. Books will help you only so much, but along with books--getting a good person to talk to (therapist who specializes in narcissism like I did) to get through it is a must. Cant overstate that. Why a "4" star for the book? I say this in part because it comes off at first and even from the cover/title that this is a "professional" book by a therapist and if I was the one writing and publishing it--I would couple this book with a solid therapeutic/clinical authors thoughts too. This book, however its more from a personal perspective from what I can see where Ms. Mirza talks about what she has learned with her own experiences. The fact that she is a "life coach" means she isnt a therapist and she expressly says this in the book and on her FB group as well. The bottom line is if you read this, make sure you follow up your reading with counseling and therapy from someone who actually knows what narcissism is and not someone just floating the catch term/phrase about as an author or "counselor" or whomever. Gaslighting and narcissism are hot topics these days and in some sense the latest and greatest psychological fad as well. Previously it was "co-dependency" and the books written about that have come under fire after more research has been done on if it is even a "real" thing. Take what is written here from her perspective as someone who went through something bad, not once but a few times, and take what you can from it. But this isn't a DSM type of book where you find concrete therapeutic evidences from testing etc. It comes from a personal perspective and her own research, and there's quite a few books like this online. I, myself was a counselor for years stuck in a dysfunctional marriage and family system that I brought upon myself in many ways. The bottom line for me was realizing that when the lying and cheating started, I did nothing to stop it but say "hey, stop doing that" which for my ex wife--she could have cared less. That's narcissism 101, its all about me and I can make whatever excuse for hurting someone else look like I'm the victim, not them. My mistake: not packing my bags like the first therapist told me to when he had told me during counseling "you know, I married a woman just like your wife". When I asked him what he did to resolve the issues this was his answer: "I divorced her". I was too intimidated and shell shocked to do what I needed to do: not only say "no" but follow it up with actions and an appropriate response to being cheated on and lied to for years. I was weak and a coward. Books like this one are to give the reader strength and to get some kind of perspective on how another person has went through what you are going through, but its not a clinical book per se its an empathetic book that says "you are not alone". Be careful getting on social media as well with "support groups". How many of those I joined in response to reading this book to find that they were filled with hateful people and at times predators who were mentally ill. Get help. Real help. Use these stories and others like them to give some comfort to the fact you're not alone in this.

I have to say, I learned A LOT from reading this book. In fact, I reread it and the second time highlighted portions. I was so unaware of all the terms, love bombing, gaslighting, flying monkeys, and covert narcissist before I read the book. Then as I read it, I noticed many similarities with what had happened in my relationship with my now ex husband. I specifically remember the love bombing phase in the very beginning. I saw big red flags, but did not know what it was at the time. And I had convinced myself "I must deserve to be treated like a princess?" Yet, not long after marrying him, many of those traits stopped. Then the others crept in. And it wasn't until I found out he was having an affair, and we were going through five days of divorce court, I began to see a side of him I had never seen. Again, the book explained it all. I am now two years out of that marriage and I still get anxiety thinking about the possibility of even meeting another man and starting over. At least after reading this book, I know what to look out for. I highlighted the portions, second time around, because he had made my daughter (from a previous marriage) one of his flying monkeys, and I wanted her to read the book and see what he was doing. She and I are just now getting our relationship back on track and close to what it once was. These narcissists can really do a number on you!

Fantastic book that I've recommended often. If you are in a relationship of any type with a narcissist or psychopath, this book helps you to understand the disorder and helps you to be able to break free.

Very compassionate and clearly written as she addresses narcissistic abuse. Maybe better in a narcissistic spousal relationship but still very good showing patterns and flying monkeys and all the things that narcissist use to manipulate and control the empathetic. Still reading as it takes time to work through all as you are reading. Simple read however and clear writing.

One thing I've noticed among people who write books like these, is that they don't tend to realize that some of the people they are helping might have some stigmatized mental illnesses themselves, and thus feel a bit betrayed, hurt, or undermined by the way the author approaches the topic of pathologically abusive behavior. Whether intentionally or not, many authors of self-help abuse recovery books tend to overlook that mentally ill people can also be abused, and furthermore are often blamed and scapegoated for how other people treat them, and so these authors often say things that are very hurtful to survivors or people who were raised in abusive households as a byproduct of how they tackle the topics. This author, however, makes a very sincere and genuine effort to consistently reaffirm that traits derived from one's own experiences with being abused do not necessarily make them a bad person, and in fact the most relevant factor is how one chooses to live their life despite the pain in the struggles they have experienced. My own experiences with manipulative abusers and being raised in a way that was unconventional (I'll put it that way) have given me quite a number of narcissistic traits (or similar) myself. Likewise, I've also been pretty heavily abused by various people in my life. The two experiences go hand-in-hand. What I like about this book is that the author is extremely clear that recovery is a possibility. In a very kind and gentle way, without demonizing the human beings themselves who engage in certain behaviors, the author nonetheless makes it very very clear which behaviors in a relationship are or are not appropriate. Without pejorative or judgemental labels, and without making hard-and-fast statements about whether or not people diagnosed with certain conditions are 100% capable or incapable of recovery, she simply highlights behavioral propriety versus impropriety, and pinpoints ways in which a person can establish a more accurate and self derived compass by which they can navigate the world and the people around them. I think that this is the most genuinely helpful, illuminating, and respectfully approached book I have seen on this topic. I think that if anybody is in a grey area with their own recovery where they're not always sure if they're the toxic party or not, this is the probably the most effective book they could buy.

Reading this book has been life changing for me. I have read so many other books about narcissism and watched lots of YouTube videos but most of the information out there is on overt narcissism which adds on a layer of doubt and contributes to the cognitive dissonance. Because covert narcissistic abuse is so stealthy, the abuse can go on for decades without us being any the wiser. This book contains a treasure trove of information on not just how to know you are in a covert narcissistic relationship but also information on how to heal and reconnect with yourself which is so very important. Many times the realisation that one is in a covert narcissistic relationship can bring a sense of sadness, loss and grief and we switch between rumination, regret and hopelessness. Debbie reminds us of our inner strength and resilience and for that I am very grateful. Please buy this book if you have even a tiny inkling that you may be in a relationship with a CN. It will be your lifeboat as you navigate the rapids towards your exit!

Mirza does a fantastic job of explaining how these people operate. She breaks it down in a way that's easy to understand, even if you don't have a psychology degree. You'll find yourself nodding along, thinking, "That's exactly what happened to me!" But this book isn't just about pointing fingers. It's also about healing. Mirza offers practical advice on how to recover from the emotional damage caused by these toxic relationships. It's like having a supportive friend by your side, helping you piece your life back together. Whether you're questioning your own relationship or already on the road to recovery, this book provides invaluable insights and support. Mirza's compassionate approach makes it feel like you have a trusted friend guiding you through the healing process.

Interesting book, good as introduction

Caratteristiche tecniche = Pacco ricevuto in tempi brevi e ottime condizioni. Stampa grossa che sa di autoproduzione. Argomento = Sono appassionata di psicologia e personalmente preferisco approcci più accademici e dettagliati, per questo mi ha un po' annoiato. Mi rendo conto di aver sbagliato io nelle aspettative, perché il testo è dichiaratamente rivolto alle vittime degli abusi narcisistici, e ad aiutarle nel riconoscere ed affrontare queste problematiche, non ad accademici. Non me la sento quindi di dare un brutto voto per questo, perché penso che svolga il suo lavoro con efficacia. Forse nell'ottica del supporto, avrei scritto qualche esempio in più, dando meno spazio alla parte di incoraggiamento, per un migliore bilanciamento contenutistico.

Es un libro que te abre los ojos! Es genial para identificar relaciones personales narcisistas y cómo crear límites. Lo único es que está mayormente enfocado a las relaciones de pareja, pero me parece genial para identificar esas interacciones e tu circulo que no son tan obvias por ser pasivo-agresivas. Me abrió mucho los ojos y me dio pie a orientarme a qué continuar a leer.